It was long since we had been acquainted. He messaged me on some chat room or a yahoo group long time back. We added each other on the messenger and exchanged polite hellos when ever we saw each other online. Well he insisted we meet and I agreed. He had a feeling of alighting form the car and straight to bed but I kept the rendezvous at an Udipi joint :p. We met and ordered some steamy idlis and crispy dosas followed by still more crispy dosas and steaming soft idlis polishing them off with the traditional filter coffee. We conversed and he was astounded that someone actually wanted to talk to him, spend time listen to him, actually listen to how he feels, the questions on his mind and the insecurities he had. Well he is married and is into same gender sex and usually it is straight to bed or bye bye on meeting people. Well here is what he had to say. I don’t want to gossip about people but I would like to share the experience. I am not an authority on any subject but just want to lay down what I think logically and how I feel. I know I have much to learn [Gurujee aap kahan ho?] That’s a call to my guru. He is very polite and helpful.

He is a married man and had his first same gender sex experience after many years of his marriage. He had no inclination of his inclinations till he had his first experience. It was by chance and when he was in a situation of great stress. He felt he had given in due to stress. I asked him that he does seek out partners for gay sex subsequently and that to deliberately and consciously. It definitely was not in moments of stress. He wondered what triggered it. I said I thought and I believed that he was naturally a gay and this state was suppressed in him till it was err tapped. I quoted to him an example in the form of a documentary I had seen on a crocodile bought up in captivity. It was fed on chunks of torn or cut flesh/meat. The croc had obviously never killed a live animal and did not know or had no means to know how to shred a full animal into small bits for swallowing. One day the persons of the croc farm threw in a whole pig. After a few moments of bewildered inspection of the carcass the croc found out how to trash the body and break it. It was naturally inbuilt in him[the croc] captivity or years of being not reared naturally could not take away what naturally came to  it. Sorry to use a gory example but that’s what came closest to my mind. Do not feel guilty you are naturally gay. Now the big question of your family spouse and kids looms in your mind. I don’t have any answers to that question. I would only say that you own up to your family and be honest with them. I understand this suggestion is easy for me to make but to actually do so may differ from situation to situation. How easy or difficult it is depends on your family and family relations. In short it is the same be it a croc or you what’s inbuilt naturally will come to you. I told this friend that 95% of men do have same gender experiences and then they go for it or decide they are not for it.[period] ( I may be wrong in my statistics but not in the fact).

I had a similar exchange with a MI. he had grown up in a hostel and you know buys groping rigging etc led from one thing to another and ultimately to same gender sex. According to MI it was a conscious practice and they had no feeling of remorse, as he believed one should have. After hostel studies he got settled married had children. He had given up on same gender sex for all the while. One fine day he bumped into his old hostel friend and they talked about old days. One thing led to another and viola he was back. I asked him to compare his experiences with this old pal and his spouse. He felt with his spouse it was duty. He had to because marriage demands it and he had to produce children, with this old friend he wanted to. It was the most natural thing that came to him. He wanted to that’s it. The expectancy of remorse was no longer there.

Here is the big question of your family, the dual life you lead. Coming out is the only thing I can suggest. After children one can not or should one divorce? Leave the wife so she can also have a fulfilled and complete life? Find happiness? Many factors are at play here. The social acceptance which depends on the level of awareness among people at large and the courage of people to live an honest life and be themselves. Whew too many things.

I have one question for these people. What will you do if your son comes up and says “Dad I am Gay?”

Views and comments are welcome.